I have been wanting to make a real update for a while now, about my life here in America, so here I am trying to write a summary exciting enough for people to read. I also ended up wanting to write in english, so that my american friends can read it as well as my norwegian friends.
I have now been in america for 10 months. That is the longest I have ever been away from home. Living a new lifestyle in America has been and is very exciting and challening at the same time. I`m loving it, and not a day has gone by where I regret my decision about moving to California, but I have definetely met some bumbs along the way, which is part of life. I have not made any blog updates about everything that has been going on since we moved to California other then picture updates, mostly because I have been too volunerable to share anything. I could have made short blog updates and gone on and on about all the great things in my life over here, but then I also feel like I`m giving out a false signal when the truth is that life has never been harder then the past year, even though thoose good moments are still very true. So instead I waited until I felt ready to start blogging again, which I do now and I`m excited about it. I`ve missed blogging, and I`m ready to share life adventures, life lessons, cultural differences, experiences etc. I have a passion for writing, and I love to reflect around what life teaches me. Maybe someone wonder why I`m being so open and honest in my writing. I want to be clear that I`m not doing it for any kind of attention. I don`t need that, I luckily have my friends for that. But I do it because I appreciate to read other peoples life experiences. I find it interesting, and I also like to be open so that people that experience similar things don`t feel so alone in this world. The truth is that we all struggle with something, sometimes more then other times. But in my opinion, the more open people can be, the less we feel alone in our struggles, and the more we can encourage each other. So I choose to be open.
When I came to California in August, I was so excited. I was ready for new adventures and for a different lifestyle in a new country. I did not have any idea how it was going to look like, but I sure was excited. Sunny everyday, starbucks dates, beach days, new adventures, new friends. Basically a new start, which is always hard but also gives us the opportunity to start new exciting things. The first few months I felt like I was on vacation. Matthew didn`t start school until mid september, so we did all kinds of fun stuff together everyday. Going on our honeymoon was exciting, moving in to a new apartment was exciting, having beach dates and fun dates everyday was wonderful. How could I ever complain? It was like a long vacation that made is easier for me not to be sad about leaving everything behind in Norway. It didn`t feel like I moved accross the world, it felt like a long visit.
Matthew eventually started school and I in my opinion handled it pretty well. I found stuff to do to keep myself busy and I waited patiently for my one and only friend and husband to come home from school so that I could hang out with him. It`s already starting to sound a little lonely right? Well I was lucky. One of my best friends Elisabeth came to visit me just weeks after Matthew started school, and right after she left my parents came to visit us. So I wasn`t lonely for very long. Then it all kind of changed. It became harder to stay positive and the excitment switched to something horrible. My body started reacting to all my life changes before I had time to realize it for myself. One perfectly normal night together with Matthew in our apartment I felt like I had a heart attack and ended up at the emergency room. It`s one of the scariest moments I can ever remember in my life. My life was flashing before my eyes, and since I had absolutely no clue what was going on, I felt like I was gonna die. I heard my own heart stop beeting, which in reality didn`t stop beating, but it felt like it because my pulse was extremely low. While I was convinced that something horribly was wrong with my heart, the doctor at the emergency room told me that I most likely had just had a panic attack and that I needed help. How am I supposed to receive that information when I didn`t even feel like I was panicking, not in life and not in the moment that it happened? I was furious and dissapointed, I didn`t need any help, I was fine. In my understanding, panicking was something completely different, but I have learned now that a panic attack can reveal itself in many different ways. Since that day in november up until now I have fought with every bit of strenght I didn`t even know I had in me to get back to a normal lifestyle, and this time I was alone. I only had Matthew, I didn`t have any friends yet at the time and everyone I was close to were in Norway. And as bad as it sounds, I do think it has taught me to fight on my own which can be both good and bad, but I try to focus on the positive so let`s say it`s good. Even though I didn`t understand it at the time, I went to get help from a therapist, which is probably one of the best decisions I have ever made. If I thought I knew what anxiety was up until this point, I was wrong, because now I REALLY know what anxiety is. After the panic attack the old me was gone, and I didn`t even recognize myself. That`s what anxiety does to you, It`s been really surprising to me and I have gotten a bigger understnading for people struggling with anxiety. Everything I normally would do without a problem, I couldn`t do anymore. Driving a car was scary, being alone was scary, going to the store was scary etc. I stopped eating, because the anxiety was like a monster inside of me that took all of my attention including my appetite. I can`t even explain the pain that comes with the constant battle inside of me. Anxiety is basically too much fear. My fear was mostly to have another panic attack. I was afraid my heart was gonna explode or something. My heartrate was over a 100 for over a month. I have always been so outgoing and fun, why was I acting so weird all of a sudden? I can`t really explain what happened, and maybe I will never know why it happened either, but I did have a LOT of life changes in such a short amount of time. It would have been weird if I didn`t react. My therapist actually told me to look up the general stress scale on wikipedia, and it`s basically a list of the most stressful life events that can contribute to illness. And it was pretty interesting to me to take that test, because my final score added together from all the life changes was so high that I was in risc of illness, according to this stress test that is for anybody. The final score will give you an idea of how stress can affect your health. And by illness, that can mean a lot of things. For me that ment anxiety. It was just good for me to get affirmed that I`m not crazy, that it actually is normal to react in my situation. So if you`re going through a weird season of your life where you don`t really recognize yourself or where you struggle with anxiety or depression, then take a good look on your life changes the past year, and maybe that will help you realize that you`re having a normal reaction. But again, anxiety can come from so many different reasons that it`s not really worth getting stuck in the search for the actual reason, but rather focus on how to deal with it in the moment. It took me a looooong time to let go of the why question. Why did this happen? Why me? Why is my body reacting when I don`t want it to? Why am i scared all of a sudden? Why why why??? It`s not gonna help me get anywhere. It`s not gonna help me find peace, and it`s not gonna help me get free from it. I`m still a little frustrated why everything happened like it did, but I have definitely learned to let go and switched my focus to the more important part: what can I do to get better?
Therapy has helped me in many ways. You should never try to fight anxiety on your own. It is very hard to get better without help, but the good news is that it is absolutely possible to get out of anxiety. I`ve been lucky. I found a therapist that I developed a good relationship to. She understands me, she is a GREAT listener, she doesn`t judge, she has a good attitude, she is encouraging and she helps me reflect around questions I need to ask myself. She doesn`t just listen, but she helps me take action. She is increadible, and I am blessed. I believe that God helped me find the therapist I needed. I have never been in therapy before, so it was new and scary to me. Now I ask myself why I haven`t been in therapy earlier. I truly believe everyone could benefit from therapy, with or without huge problems in life. If you ever wonder whether you should go to therapy or not, then just go, it`s worth it. There is no shame in seeking therapy, it actually shows strenght. It shows that you are willing to make a change in your life, even though you may not know how. It`s funny watching myself write things I didn`t agree to 7 months ago. It just means I have actually learned a lot.
My therapist has taught me a lot about mindfulness and meditation, which in my oppinion is very helpful. I was super sceptical in the beginning because I was afraid there was something religious attached to it, but it absolutely doesn`t have to be attached to religion at all. The point of it is to develop self awareness of the present moment. It`s supposed to help you take your focus of both your past and your future so you won`t worry about it, and to shift your focus to here and now. With anxiety we are very often stuck worrying about what`s gonna happen the same day, or tomorrow, or the next month, or the next year etc. At least that`s what I do. I worry about so many things that`s ahead of me. And I often get stuck in what has happened in the past and I label it as bad baggage, and some of my past has shaped me to fear the future because of what I know can happen. Mindfulness has helped me to keep my focus on the moment and not on what`s been or what`s coming. I`m still in practice, and I always will be, but I`m gaining a greater understanding for everytime I practice it. Here and now, everything just is... and I can find some peace in that. Awereness also empowers me. The more I notice, the less power it has over me. If I notice that I`m anxious and what makes me anxious, then it`s easier to accept it and deal with it then if i`m not aware of what`s going on. It has taken me a long time to actually undestand that this helps, but it really does. It doesn`t take away the anxiety, but it makes me less anxious. When I notice what`s going on in my thoughts and my emotions I can take action and choose what to do with it. If I don`t notice, it`s just there and I can`t do anything about it. Noticing helps me take charge over my own thoughts and emotions. Maybe this sounds weird to you, but it has helped me in the long run when I understand it better. So don`t judge it yet.
My therapist has also taught me a lot about how an emotion is just an emotion, it`s not who I am. I get to attached to it and start labeling myself with that emotion. If I`m sad, then I`m just feeling sad for the moment, I`m not sad as a person. Once I look at it that way, it makes it okey to be sad for a little bit, because it`s not forever, it`s just a feeling in the moment. This is just a little bit of everything I`m learning and realizing during this season of therapy. It has been a hard battle, but it feels so good to come out on the other side knowing that I didn`t give up, but that I fought with the strenght I didn`t know I had in me, against anxiety, against loneliness and sadness, agains anger and frustration. I could probably go on and on about everything I`ve learned these past 7 months, but the blog entry is already getting really long, and I will definetely write more on a later occasion. I just wanted to start writing again, and at the same time share a little bit of what has been going on in my life lately. It is definitely an adventure to move to another country, but it has honestly been really hard. I miss home, I miss my friends (so much), I miss my family, I miss having a job and to be needed, I miss to have a purpose/goal. I had to start on scratch and I`ve had to learn patience like never before. Patience for the green card, patience for not working or studying, patience for friends to come into my life, patience to get better from the anxiety, patience to go home to Norway, patience to settle down and to get comfortable in a new country etc. It has definitely been a season of patience. I`m finally starting to see the other side, the better side. I am better from the anxiety, I keep myself occupied with babysitting, volunteering at the hospital, cleening a house, and many other random things, I finally have some friends, and I have found a church I really like. I have also started dancing again, which is a great joy in my life. And i JUST GOT MY VISA. I want to do another blog entry just on how I`ve kept myself busy over here. Things look better now then they did 7 months ago, for sure. Lately I`ve been really mad about the saying that says: whatever that`s hard in your life only makes you stronger. Because I have never felt weaker going through this season. I am now starting to see myself getting stronger from it all, just because I`m not so scared anymore. I am more confident that I can handle hard things in life, but I`m really hoping I don`t have to (ha, don`t we all?). I`m hoping that the next season of my life is filled with less stress and more rejoice.
There is one very important thing I`ve learned. To have anxiety is not something I should be embarrassed about. It is very natural, and a LOT of people struggle with it daily. It has been important to me to convince myself that I am not weak, that I am not broken, I`m just going through something really hard, and it is shaping me and giving me experiences I kind of wouldn`t be without. It almost hurts to say that, because I wouldn`t want anyone to go through anxiety because of the pain it causes, but it has truly made me into a more powerful person. I took advantage of a hard situation and choose to learn something from it. I`ve needed to realize that I am strong enough myself to handle life, that I don`t need to depend on everyone else. And that doesn`t mean that I can handle life by myself without God. God will always be my biggest hope and best guidence in life. Without God I don`t know what I would believe in. What I mean is that I have learned to be less helpless and more independent.
I want to finish of for now by mentioning that all those pictures I`ve posted of happy fun moments are very true and real. Me and Matthew have an incredibly good relationship and we fall more and more in love for every season. We have been good at making good memories in the midst of hard times. It has been extremely important to us to rejoice and have fun in the middle of pain. And I am forever thankful to have such a positive husband as my biggest support in this life. We have conquered so much together in the past two years.
